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My social anxiety only kicks in when I'm dating. I got the whole Stan and Wendy thing from the early days of Southpark. Anytime I'm around a girl I feel any romantic interest towards Id get nauseous and usually throw up which as you can imagine ruined a few first dates and such. Feb 11, 2020 Dating with anxiety is no joke. Some singles get extremely nervous in crowded places and social situations, and their anxieties can isolate them and make them shy away from the dating scene. Fortunately, dating sites can help those with anxiety overcome their confidence issues and wallflower tendencies.

Dating apps are hugely popular ways to meet people, but for people with social anxiety, they may prove to be both a bonus and a problem. Recent research published in TheJournal of Social & Personality Outcomes found that people with social anxiety were more likely to report negative outcomes from their dating apps. But experts tell Bustle that if you have social anxiety, using a dating app can be helpful because it takes the pressure off in-person meetings — at least initially. If you have social anxiety and are considering online dating, the results may be challenging — but that, in the end, may also help you grow.

Social anxiety disorder, according to the American Psychological Association, involves anxiety around 'being embarrassed, humiliated, rejected or looked down on in social interactions', and dating and meeting new people are serious triggers for anxieties even in non-anxious people. The study in The Journal Of Social & Personality Outcomes shows that, among socially anxious undergraduates, dating apps are a way to circumvent those anxious thoughts. 'We found that people who were highly socially anxious preferred communicating with prospective romantic partners via dating apps compared to in-person meetings,' lead study author Kathryn Coduto, a graduate student at Ohio State University's School of Communications, tells Bustle.

This, experts on social anxiety explain, makes sense. 'One of the great things about the internet is that it gives shyer, more anxious people a safe space in which to socialize. Being able to pause and really consider one's words before typing (rather than being put on the spot in a conversation) can be very useful to folks living with social anxiety,' Stefani Goerlich LCSW, a social worker and relationship therapist, tells Bustle. 'Having the space to make that initial approach from a safe distance, and to chat with someone and get to know them a bit before meeting up in person, can be beneficial for people who struggle to build relationships in other settings.' Apps like Tinder were effectively built to take the stress out of an initial meet-up scenario.

Jobs For Social Anxiety Reddit

The key to the appeal of dating apps to the socially anxious, Dr. Eric Goodman, a psychologist at the Coastal Center for Anxiety Treatment and specialist in anxiety disorders, tells Bustle, is in their challenge to anxious behavior. 'Social anxiety disorder thrives on social avoidance,' he says: if you're anxious about social situations, you stay away from them as much as possible, including dates. 'The dating apps allow a more controllable and often gentle easing into the dating world. Anything that helps break that avoidant cycle is helpful in the long run,' Dr. Goodman says.

However, dating apps also hold hazards for people with social anxiety — both in their use and in how people may react to them. One issue, says Celeste Viciere LMHC, licensed mental health clinician and head of therapy group The Uniting Center, is that you may simply scroll forever. 'If you are spending a lot of time on the app and not engaging with people face to face, there is a possibility your struggle with social anxiety can increase,' she tells Bustle. 'The increase in symptoms can take place because you will tend to isolate and stay in your negative thoughts about yourself.'

Coduto's data supports that concern. 'We found that people who were both socially anxious and highly lonely not only preferred communicating online, but had a much harder time controlling their use of dating apps,' she tells Bustle. The study determined that socially anxious undergraduates tended to 'compulsively' use dating apps in ways that interfered with their lives, making them more anxious as a result.

People who were socially anxious in Coduto's study also reacted poorly to lack of success on dating apps. 'If you put work into your profile and you're still not getting matches or if you're getting ghosted, it's probably going to make your social anxiety worse,' she tells Bustle. 'It's probably going to make you question your social skills even further.' Goerlich echoes that worry, noting that modern dating apps, with their large pools of potential dates and swift reaction times, aren't designed to cushion the ego. 'Online dating involves making rapid, surface-level decisions about real people, based on a few lines and photos in their profile,' she says. 'If someone with social anxiety sends the first message, and is rebuffed (or ignored completely), that can feel like a rejection of them as people.' When this process is repeated, which is very likely with online dating, people with social anxiety can feel their confidence and self-esteem wear down over time, Goerlich says.

The other problem that can occur is a stalemate. People with social anxiety on dating apps, Dr. Goodman says, can 'stay in perpetual chat mode with a potential dating partner, dragging it on for weeks until the person stops responding.' Dating apps are meant to leap from the digital world to the real world eventually — but if you have social anxiety, making that jump can be difficult, and relationships miss their opportunity to flourish as a result.

However, the benefits of online dating can outweigh the drawbacks, provided you use them wisely. 'You should be aware of your use and think about how you're using the apps,' Coduto says. 'If you're taking them out when you're in social situations or at your job, you might want to rethink that. It's OK to step away from the app, or even delete it and take a break.' If, however, you're just feeling a bit challenged by the experience, that's OK, says Dr. Goodman. 'Whenever we are doing something that is growth-producing and outside of our comfort zone, anxiety will be there to some degree. The anxiety is a sign that you are moving in the direction of something that is of value,' he tells Bustle. 'Dating apps will increase social anxiety in the short term, until your brain learns that it is not a threat. It learns that through experience over time.'

If you're keen to dive into the world of dating apps but don't know how to manage your social anxiety while doing it, there are a few tips and tricks to help you. Dr. Goodman recommends doing your research about all the different apps to see what might suit you best, having other people help you to set up your profile, and setting yourself a time limit — ask for a date within a set amount of time — to help avoid staying in a holding pattern. Goerlich also says that for people with social anxiety, match-based programs might be better. 'I encourage my clients to focus their efforts on apps that require a mutual match before messaging can occur,' she says. 'That way, everyone knows that there's some degree of initial interest before they spend a lot of time crafting that introductory message.' Result: less chance of rejection and less time being exposed to anxiety triggers.

Rejection will happen, and that's a good thing, says Dr. Goodman, because it's not the end of the world; a person with social anxiety learns that 'it's tolerable and they can move forward. Rejection is not a catastrophe.'

Ultimately a dating app may be a great way to meet a new partner or some friends if you struggle with anxiety around social situations — even if you have to take it slow, turn it off sometimes to give yourself a break, or ask a friend to prompt you to make the first move. However, says Coduto, you need to put your own health first. 'These apps come with goals attached to them, but that doesn't mean they're a guarantee, and you should be taking care of your own personal mental health before you try to engage with someone else,' she says.

Social Anxiety

Fact Checked

by Wendy M Yoder, Ph.D. and Micah Abraham, BSc

Last updated October 10, 2020

Social anxiety is more than a social problem. It's something that can cause significant stress and discomfort, and in extreme cases possibly even cause panic attacks and feelings of low self-worth as a result of social situations.

But if you ask anyone that has social anxiety what their biggest regret is, it's that it's hard to date and find relationships. Meeting other people is, of course, very difficult when you're anxious in social situations. The following are ten different tips and strategies for dating and meeting people when you suffer from social anxiety.

Keep in mind when you're reading these that some of them do involve being brave and trying to challenge your fears. For some people, that can be hard – indeed, if overcoming your social anxiety was easy, you'd be doing it already. It's important to remember that the only way to stop social anxiety is to cure it altogether.

Reddit Social Anxiety Dating Questions

But there are smaller, more interesting strategies that can help you with some of your social anxiety issues and make sure that it doesn't interfere with your dating. The following are some tips to help you meet and date other people.

Tip 1: Exercise

Yes, the first tip is a boring one, but also extremely important. Exercise is probably the single most effective thing you can do for your anxiety because it provides several benefits that specifically affect those with social phobia:

• Exercise releases endorphins in the brain, which are chemicals that improve mood and relaxation.
• Exercise calms muscles so that your anxiety symptoms are less severe.
• Exercise helps people feel better about their bodies and their health, which improves confidence when talking to someone with the opposite sex.

It has nothing to do with looks or weight. Rather, exercise provides some incredibly valuable benefits that promote better mental health, making it easier to talk to others.

Tip 2: Avoid Cliché Meeting Places, Find Smaller Groups

Social anxiety is at its worst in environments that promote too much social behavior. Many people with social anxiety still try to meet people in 'normal' meeting spots, like bars, clubs, or parties. But these places provide excess stress that is hard for someone to mentally overcome.

Try to attend small events where meeting people isn't a priority, and where you can also get used to smaller social situations. For example, there are several places online to find hiking groups, and hiking groups are generally 4 to 5 people at most. Even though such a small group of people means that you may not find someone you connect with, small groups also give you an opportunity to practice socially and could introduce you to friends, which in turn can help you meet someone someday.

Tip 3: If Anxiety Hits, Don't Be Shy About It

Shame is a common emotion with social phobia, where a person feels embarrassed when they start to experience anxiety during a conversation. While not everyone is comfortable doing this, many people find that it's helpful to simply let the other person know what they're experiencing:

'Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I am someone that suffers from some severe social anxiety, so I am experiencing a lot of nervousness in this conversation. My apologies if it makes me look distracted, as I am trying to overcome it.'

It's not something a lot of people share about themselves, but when you do share it, and you show that you're not embarrassed about it, it can make it easier to 'get out of your head,' which is a common problem with most severe anxiety. When you try too hard to fight it and still hold a conversation, the anxiety often gets worse.

Feel free and do this on dates too. Most people will respect your honesty, especially if you don't pretend to be embarrassed about it, and those that do not respect your honesty are probably not people with whom you want to start a relationship.

Social Anxiety Test

Tip 4: Practice Without Expectations

They say that relationships are more likely to start when you stop looking for one. One of the reasons that this is probably true is that those looking for a relationship get overly focused on anyone they meet, putting a great deal of pressure on its success.

For example, a man that wants a relationship and has some anxiety will often get enough bravery to go up to some woman somewhere and talk to her, and once he does he'll start hoping and praying she's the one and put a great deal of pressure on a relationship growing from that one conversation. Then, if she simply isn't interested or has a boyfriend or what have you, he feels worse about himself and experiences more anxiety in the future.

That's why you need to practice in such a way that you have no expectations, ideally because no relationship can happen. For example, practice when you're in another state on vacation, or practice and give everyone a fake name. Try to talk to multiple people in a night and promise to yourself that you will give none of them your phone number or contact information.

You need to learn not to put too much pressure on any one relationship succeeding. Once you've done that, then you can worry about trying to meet the right person, and not 'any' person.

Tip 5: Always Start Strong

If you do have enough bravery to go to an event and try to meet people, then make sure you start strong. Talk to the first people you see and introduce yourself. Go up to anyone you see around you. Talk to as many people as you can. Getting into a groove is very important. Those that wait and wait and wait are only going to experience more anticipatory anxiety, which will likely make their overall anxiety worse.

Those that have severe social anxiety and get panic attacks should also learn to control them.

Tip 6: Get/Use a Best Friend

Studies have shown that those that have strong social support are more confident and better able to meet people. It's a good idea to try to make sure that you find and spend time with a best friend if you have social anxiety. When you go to social events, don't go to meet people. Go to spend time with your best friend, where meeting people is a bonus. You'll feel far more supported that way, and your ability to branch out should improve.

Tip 7: Keep Going After Panic

If your social anxiety is strong enough that it causes panic attacks, one of the best things you can do – and one of the hardest, of course – is to keep going at the social event even if you get a panic attack.

Essentially, make sure you go to the social event expecting one, and once you get it, try your best to act like it didn't happen. As severe as panic attacks are, the truth is that leaving a social event after a panic attack only reinforces the idea that a social event causes anxiety. You need to try to fight the urge to leave, and try your best to keep going.

The idea of 'don't let the panic attacks win' is something that helps overcome them. Fear of the attacks is one of the issues that trigger more attacks. So by not letting them affect you as much, you reduce that fear at future events.

Tip 8: Learning to Breathe Better

Most of the physical symptoms of severe social anxiety are due to a problem known as hyperventilation. Hyperventilation is the act of breathing too quickly, although contrary to popular belief, hyperventilation is caused by too much oxygen and too little carbon dioxide, not the other way around.

Hyperventilation causes issues like:

• Lightheadedness
• Difficulty breathing
• Chest pains
• Weakness
• Rapid thoughts

The adrenaline from anxiety leads to many of these symptoms as well, but hyperventilation is often the biggest culprit, especially for those with severe anxiety symptoms. That's why it's important to try to control your breathing when you have severe anxiety so that these symptoms dissipate.

To reduce hyperventilation symptoms, you're going to need to fight the urge to breathe too deeply. Hyperventilation causes people to feel as though they're not getting enough air, even though the opposite is true. Try the following:

• Breathe in very slowly through your nose – take as much as 5 seconds or more.
• Hold for 3 seconds.
• Breathe out through your mouth like you're whistling for 7 seconds.

Continue for a few minutes. Once hyperventilation symptoms start they do not go away that quickly. But this type of breathing will make it easier to reduce the severity of the symptoms, and possibly stop your panic attack.

Tip 9: Stay Busy After Dates

With all forms of anxiety, but especially social anxiety, your mind is often your enemy. People think of anxiety as just fear, but anxiety changes the mind to create more negative thoughts as well. After a date, try your best to stay as mentally busy as possible, either by talking to people on the phone, going out with your best friend, or surrounding yourself with technology and humor (like watching funny shows on TV). Continue over the next few days.

Staying busy will prevent you from experiencing some of the negative thoughts that many of those with social anxiety experience after dates. If you have social anxiety, you no doubt have picked apart your performance and looked for all of the things you may have done wrong. That is a trap that can be very damaging, both for your self-esteem and for your ability to go on future dates. So stay as busy as possible so that you can't let these thoughts creep in.

Tip 10: Go Have Experiences

Of course, the final tip is just to go out there and have experiences – whether they have to do with social anxiety dating or not. Even vacations to exotic locations help with anxiety. The more you let yourself grow as a person and experience what life has for you, the more you'll find that you're able to be confident in yourself around others. You'll have more to talk about, you'll have a different perspective on life, and you'll often find that you figure out what you want from someone else as well.

Overcoming Social Anxiety and Dating

It's a challenge to date when you have social anxiety, since meeting people with anxiety can be so difficult. But it's also not necessarily the right idea to date when you're this anxious either. Instead, you should commit yourself to overcoming your social anxiety and then worry about dating if it happens in the interim.

Reddit Social Anxiety Dating Website

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